Awareness
by Emily Shore

Love It or List It-Church Style: My Journey Through the Cult

I remember crying at the kitchen table when I accepted Jesus. I was eight years old.
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Growing up in a strict, reformed and homeschooling household, mandatory morning devotionals were the norm. This was church. So was catechism recitation in service, the Old Testament jealous God, Focus on the Family, angry paddle spankings followed by Ephesians 6:1, AWANA, required memory verses for school, idolization of historical religious figures like Jonathan Edwards, John Calvin, Christopher Columbus, and Martin Luther, and household names like John MacArthur, John Piper, Joshua Harris, and others.
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It was only recently that I explored and processed how John Piper’s church falls into the cult category. And it was this church that had the most impact on me, especially when it came to my views on sexuality.
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All throughout my life, church felt like armor that didn’t quite fit. I understood the breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, etc. But for some reason, I couldn’t quite tie the breastplate on, the peace shoes were too tight and pinchy, the helmet was too big, etc. Nothing fit.  Not as a child or as an adult—single, dating, married, or married with children.
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No matter how hard I tried, I could never be the perfect reformed, homeschooled, purity-minded, evangelical, craft and cooking-excelling, child-nurturing, missions-minded, street-evangelizing girl. Nor could I fit the mold of a submissive wife destined for a calling as a stay-at-home mom homeschooling four kids.
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I’ve always been too loud, too confident, too intense, too passionate.
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Still, I pretended to “Love It”. 
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Some beliefs I internalized due to the Church.
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  1. My worth was comparable to a worm or others were always better.
  2. Love is a choice, feelings are bonus.
  3. Marriage is hard. Divorce is never an option.
  4. Girls must dress modestly to prevent boys and men from lusting after them.
  5. Prayer and the Holy Spirit are the solutions to everything.
  6. Depression is not a mental health issue and can be solved by prayer.
  7. People who commit suicide are going to hell.
  8. People who have never heard the name of Jesus or children who die young without accepting Jesus are going to hell.
  9. Christians are morally superior to others.
  10. Children must participate in street evangelism.
  11. Being a mom is the ultimate calling for a woman but for men, it’s providing and protecting a family.
  12. Men are spiritual leaders and only they can be pastors.
  13. All women are nurturing and better with kids than men.
  14. Feminism is evil and we call them feminazis.
  15. The only good liberal is a dead liberal. And liberal politicians should be dipped in acid or drawn and quartered.
  16. Halloween is evil.
  17. Homosexuality is a disease and will bring the downfall of society. Even if you’re attracted to girls, marriage is only between a man and a woman.
  18. Abortion is always murder and never an option even in cases of rape.
  19. Sexual harassment is normal.
  20. Sex before marriage = the most heinous of sins = protect your virginity above all.
  21. Vaginas are dirty. Your period is dirty and you should be ashamed for bleeding through your pad at youth group.
  22. Masturbation is a sin.
  23. A girl’s body belongs to her future husband. At a Sex and the Supremacy of Christ conference, John Piper specifically looked at me and told me my fourteen-year-old breasts were created for my future husband.
  24. Sex will be great when you’re married but you don’t need to know what happens until then.
  25. There are only two genders. What is a sexual identity?
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I could go on with countless other negative messages from relatives, home life, homeschooling curriculum, and various churches I spent my years in. Moving five times out of state combined with homeschooling made for a much more isolated and tight-knit childhood. But church was always a mandatory anchor…or in my case: a millstone.
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I. Did. Not. “Love It”. 
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Ultimately, I’ve come to understand how church was not just weighty armor but a millstone. A millstone I carried even into my marriage. After narrowly escaping the potentiality of an arranged marriage at age 18, I fought tooth and nail for my egalitarian-minded husband whom I fell hard for. A match made in heaven since he didn’t quite fit either!
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In 2017, I experienced a spiritual awakening which I liken to a spiritual baptism. The closest analogy is of a crockpot. If my walk with Christ were a crockpot, I imagine it would have been plugged in when I turned eight years old but no setting was pushed.
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When I turned eighteen, the crockpot warmed due to my very slow entry into the anti-trafficking movement. And grew warmer.
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Until in 2017, it EXPLODED!
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Since that spiritual awakening, I’ve undertaken a journey of deconstruction from stripping apart all these damaging beliefs as well as processing, healing, and reclaiming from an abusive and cult past. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD from my therapist and a psychiatrist, though I am not comfortable sharing all the reasons why.
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If you had asked me years ago if I would go from an alt-right conservative Bible thumper to a progressive Christian and bisexual feminist, I would have laughed in your face!
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So, what are my new beliefs?
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This is my NEW list and I LOVE IT”! 
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  1.  My worth is intrinsic and priceless.
  2. I am a daughter of the King which makes me a Princess. And I have a crown!
  3. I am a human being made in the image of God, and therefore God is both male and female. Jesus was the perfect expression of this and he empowered and honored women as equals.
  4. I interchange between God and Goddess and also believe God is nonbinary.
  5. There are many different definitions of love.
  6. Emotions do not make you weak whether you are a man or a woman.
  7. Girls are NEVER responsible for the thoughts and actions of men or boys.
  8. Depression is a mental health issue and it needs to be treated as such.
  9. PTSD affects more than the military.
  10. You can have Jesus and a therapist!
  11. Christians are not morally superior. “Even pagans love each other and their neighbors” – Matthew 5:47, “for there is neither Jew nor Greek, neither slave nor female, nor male or female, for we are all one in Christ.” Galatians 3:28
  12. Actions speak louder than words with evangelism. Justice is love out loud.
  13. There is no ultimate calling for men or women. Love God, love people are the two greatest commandments. Everything else is simply a matter of spiritual gifts. Affirm all gifts and callings.
  14. Women are and have been spiritual leaders and movers and shakers for centuries. Junia was a pastor. Priscilla was considered foremost in her work with Paul. Lydia ran a home church and was entrusted with the book of Romans. Women have been granted the authority to preach. Spiritual gifts are not mandated by gender.
  15. I am a proud progressive feminist, love the Christian feminist community, and get along far better with liberals. But it’s not acceptable to degrade nor make passive murderous threats on account of political affiliation.
  16. I came out as bisexual late 2020 and love my new identity. The word “Homosexuality” made no appearance in the Bible until 1946 and was a misinterpretation and mistranslation when the original word was pedophilia. Not a loving and committed relationship between two people of the same sex or an identity.
  17. Christians stole pagan practices and traditions. And Halloween is one of my favorite holidays!
  18. Abortion is extremely nuanced, we need to be pro-ALL-life and the pro choice platform does this better as well as works towards prevention. When millions of abortions are a result of trafficking, abuse, rape, teen pregnancy, and abandoned single moms, stop profiling women and girls as murderers.
  19. Sexual harassment is not normal. Neither is toxic masculinity. Beyond that, it’s not acceptable. #metoo
  20. Purity is for water. Virginity is a social construct and does not define a girl’s worth. Sex is a beautiful creation and expression but best with someone you truly love and respect and someone who truly loves and respects you.
  21. Vaginas are beautiful, periods are normal and healthy, and the Bible doesn’t mention the clitoris.
  22. Masturbation is not a sin, and thank you God/Goddess for vibrators.
  23. Comprehensive sex education is sorely necessary as well as thorough teachings on consent and online safety.
  24. Everyone has bodily autonomy including in marriage. Sex can be a lot of fun when it’s mutual and loving. And no one was created for abuse.
  25. Gender is a social construct. Your sexual identity is valid!
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After attending several churches where neither I nor my husband belonged, I can’t say if we will ever find our “fit”. The Covid Shutdown gave us the opportunity to slow down, to process our harmful religious pasts, to reclaim as a family. We are hopeful as we seek more progressive and affirming churches due to my journey and embracing my new identity—a journey my husband has shared with me in deep ways.
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So, what does church look like for us? And I love to “LIST IT” for others!:
  1. Family hikes through the woods – picnics optional.
  2. Writing sex-positive fantasy romance books featuring queer casts to help me channel my new identity, heal from my past abuse, and reclaim through my characters’ growth and overcoming journey with themes of combatting purity culture and egalitarianism and feminism.
  3. My Ezer Tattoo! Hades and Sephy, bi dragon, and a phoenix are next!
  4. Therapy.
  5. Sleeping in on Sundays and chocolate chip pancakes and skillet potatoes for brunch.
  6. Smash the patriarchy feminism. NOT “if you can’t beat them, join them”—*false feminism*—but more Michelle Obama’s “Go high” and be a mover and shaker and cultural reformer I.e RBG, Rachel Held Evans, Rachael Denhollander, and Amanda Gorman.
  7. GOD IS GREY!
  8. Learning to be an anti-racist ally. And justice marches.
  9. Livestream writing sessions with queer author friends.
  10. Veggie Tales with my daughters.
  11. Pride-themed projects and short children’s illustrated videos.
  12. Scary movies with my husband as a coping mechanism from my PTSD.
  13. Blogs like this!
  14. Long conversations with queer friends and allies.
  15. Egalitarian-themed articles and blog posts.
  16. Empowering and advocating for others in abusive situations.
  17. Lutheran summer programs for our girls.
  18. Fantasy quests and children’s Bible stories.
  19. Mantra-memorization in the mirror with the girls: I am priceless! I am worthy! I am beautiful! I am a daughter.
  20. Pizza or ordering in nights.
  21. Late night walks in the backyard with Kevin star-gazing and talking.
  22. Park playtime.
  23. Affirming others’ humanity.
  24. Long family walks to Caribou.
  25. Falling in love with Black, feminist, SJW Jesus, God, and Holy Spirit Goddess
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Now, that’s a LIST to LOVE!