TW: Internalized racism, white supremacy, racial inequality
Late 2017 was the date I began my truest deconstruction journey. Fairly late by some standards or early by others as I had just turned 31.
While 2018 was focused on politics, 2019 was marriage and feminism, 2020 brought with it a renewed heart for racial justice. While the majority of my deconstructive rumblings for years framed around issues of #metoo awareness, abuse advocacy, marital equality, there was absolutely no turning a blind eye to the global-shattering horror occurring in the city right next to mine! There was no opportunity for neutral niceties.
“I can’t breathe!” he cried over and over again.
For those geographically and morally and empathically close to the George Floyd situation, the spiritual forces at work were irrevocable and undeniable.
It was time to take a long look in the mirror, to face the feminist I claimed to be, and check a long list of internalized belief systems brought about by a homeschooled education founded in white supremacy and colonial. And I am still ongoing processing and unlearning this background of education, this racist list rooted in the home, the curriculum, and most heart-breaking…the Church.
I Hate This List. (And to any friends who may read, especially BIPOC friends, please be aware of the triggering heinousness of this list of education, words, phrases, beliefs all of which I internalized since I was very little. And I know there is so much more I have yet to unpack.)
I needed some alcohol when I wrote this.
- Slavery has been over for a long time, so we don’t need to talk about it anymore even though we continue to address the Holocaust and all its horrors while elevating the Jews as God’s chosen people while ironically the Crusades were supposed to be a good thing? (I’m still trying to figure this out, everyone.)
- Black people need to stop making excuses.
- Black Communities have the highest rates of crime.
- Where is the news about the Black-on-Black crime or Black-on-white crime?
- Philando Castille had a record.
- Protesters don’t have a right to block traffic. And they deserve to get hit.
- Who is Martin Luther King, Jr.? (Yes, this is accurate, I was not taught anything about MLK growing up).
- Who is Rosa Parks?
- Who is Aretha Franklin?
- It’s about peanuts, not George Washington Carver.
- What is Jim Crow?
- What is Segregation?
- Blacks have the same opportunities and equality as white people.
- What is colorism?
- Harriet Tubman was a footnote. Harriet Beecher Stowe and Abraham Lincoln were not.
- Jesus looks white in everything, so he must be white even though he was a very dark-skinned Jew.
- Indians aka Indigenous Peoples were violent and savage who scalped people (FYI-scalping came from Europe just note), and the puritans lived in fear for their lives while founding “our” country.
- Thanksgiving is a beautiful expression of the generosity of the Native Americans and how they taught the settlers how to grow food and how the European puritans educated them to be more “civil”.
- No, you can’t watch Pocahontas because it has indigenous spirit crap
- No education on the genocide and indigenous cleansing that followed.
- Our church has a heart for international adoption. Let’s take those poor African and South American babies away from their countries and families and give them a better life.
- I knew only one family in foster care growing up, and I was an older teenager by then.
- Any Black kids in my neighborhoods growing up in were considered loud, rude, and obnoxious.
- We must be fruitful and multiply with our white children.
- John Piper spoke unremorsefully and deplorably about how if an anti-spanking law was passed, he would still spank his adopted, little Black girl, Talitha. (Core memory sitting in service). He has used his African-American adopted daughter over and over as a prop to emphasize his and his wife’s white saviorism and racial-awareness.
- Our church has a heart for international missions. Look at the white missionaries holding all those half-starved and half-naked African babies. We must send them money. We must send more to heal them and save them.
- We must send those white 13yo babies into the urban sprawl to evangelize and ask people if they are going to hell. (Yes, this really happened at John Piper’s church, and it’s a core memory).
- Be scared of the inner city even though our church has been based there for 150 years.
- Adventures in Odyssey of Focus on the Family only featured Black issues when the patriarchal, white focal character of John Avery Whitaker could look like the benevolent educator to a Black kid who didn’t like the Revolutionary War for being so “white” while his ancestors were still slaves. Cue three-episode brainwashing about how the first blood shed in the Boston Massacre was a Black man and how Black men fought alongside white men, so that made it a “War of Equality”.
- Nate Saint, Jim Elliot, and the other men who went down to preach to the isolated Waodani people were “martyrs” whose blood needed to be shed to bring those people to Christ. And Elisabeth Elliot was a saint for uprooting herself to go and live among them so she could reconcile those heinous murderers to Christ. (I wrote an in-depth report on this whole situation during community college). Google: Waodani people, the second result is “How Five Martyrs Transformed the Waodani People of Ecuador.”
- *Deep Breath, Emily. Own it.* President Obama…is the anti-christ, a covert muslim who wants to establish Sharia Law and murder babies, and was never even born here. His wife is an angry woman who doesn’t even love him and will divorce him. And they are absolutely not Christians.
There is so much beyond this list I am still working through and processing.
Though I understand this journey is an ongoing one, a marathon and not a sprint, an irrefutable reminder from the diverse voices of the inner-city and multi-cultural church we were distance-online attending at the time, sometimes we empaths dive right in for a baptism by fire.
Oh, how I wanted to add my voice to the cries for justice at the Capitol protests and my quiet prayers of lament at the Minneapolis candlelight vigils, medical health voices, white allies, and BIPOC friends cautioned me due to my high-risk underlying medical disorder. However, it didn’t stop me from writing poetry, from the voracious reading of articles and books, promoting and listening to Black voices, making signs with my children, and joining with Black Mom Queens and white mommy allies at a “Moms” march for justice and equality where Black voices led in speeches, prayer, and worship.
With mixed-race children on all sides of my family and BIPOC children attending school with mine, with a background in anti-trafficking of learning from Black survivors how Black females were predisposed to engage in prostitution (Vedinita Carter of Breaking Free). And the higher-risk of trafficking of Black children, so I am all too aware of my children’s white privilege.
I was hungry.
I was lamenting.
I was enraged.
I was fueled by love and passion and a chronic mental awareness of checking in on any negative heroism-arcs with a hell-bent determination to show up and get uncomfortable to do the work.
Work that I didn’t even register had begun when I was only 18.
It was a film on the Abolition of Slavery that first prompted my heart for the anti-trafficking movement.
And it was this scene that hit me hardest:
Transcript for non-audio
I was hungry.
I was lamenting.
I was enraged.
I had no idea where to start.
Until a helpful friend in the church invited me to a documentary called Nefarious: Merchant of Souls, a film directed by Benjamin Nolot who traveled four continents to expose the global slave trade.
It was only through a decade of anti-trafficking volunteering, training, education, listening to countless survivors, aligning myself internationally and locally, advocacy, and even speaking on this issue before churches, libraries, retreat centers, and conferences where I processed why my heart was so on fire for this issue: online predators and virtual traffickers had indeed targeted me as a child.
I am convinced had I lived in a different age of digital technology, I would have ended up in one of the horrors I had spent over ten years researching.
After years with an international organization called Women At Risk, International, my husband and I believed we had the calling to adopt internationally. “She is waiting for you…” were the words I specifically heard in my head. When my husband had originally pitched the idea of adoption only a month prior because we wanted three girls and could only have two.
Country of Choice: India
Why? Sweetie. A little baby born into a brothel in India that us Warriors at Women At Risk, Int had spent years praying for while our Founder continually intervened for, brought gifts for, and even loved the brothel manager and owner. Yes, after much intervention, Sweetie and her mother are free and on a better road.
My India list.
- No, I’ve never seen Slumdog Millionaire.
- Children’s illustrated books on Diwali and Holi I read to my girls.
- My children playing with the children of Indian mommies in my church.
- Eating traditionally made Indian food in these Indian mommies’ kitchens they cooked for me.
- These mommies showing me their saris and/or other Indian clothing.
- Indian music and dance.
- Attending Indian bazaars with our children so they could learn more about their future sister’s heritage.
- Some history on the complex and controversial British colonization.
- Knowledge of the brothels, of babies learning not to cry, of lighter skinned babies being favored, and of our safe-houses based with Indian house mommies and work-training and making dreams come true.
- Some knowledge of Hinduism practices.
- Limited knowledge of the differences in culture between southern and northern India.
Due to our city of Eagan/St. Paul with the highest population of Indians in the state, I had already come to have Indian mommies among my inner circle of friends. To this day, I still love and am honored by the aspects of their culture they shared.
But I only scratched the surface.
After two years, $10,000 of investment, and even a move to a new city and a new house to prepare for our daughter, we were dismissed from the India program due to my past trauma and PTSD after being told specifically I was safe to share, and that it would not be held against us. It was a deeply hurtful wound. And for a time, my husband and I distanced ourselves from the Indian community because it was simply raw and traumatizing.
Now, we have acknowledged it was a blessing in disguise, especially due to his cancer prognosis. If we had still been in the India program, we may have invested more and had been ready to fly to India by the time Kevin required emergency cancer surgery.
In late 2019, with a newfound love for reaching abuse victims such as in the Church, I sought higher education at Fuller Theological Seminary. At the end of my first semester in early 2020, Covid shutdown took away any new opportunities for work and schooln.
But I truly believe the “She’s waiting for you” words were NOT directed toward international adoption but a different type of adoption.
During the shutdown, I connected to a woman in domestic violence crisis. After I built a bridge of trust with her, Kevin and I sheltered her and her children in our house for a time.
So, there I was with a heart for anti-abuse advocacy and awareness, of #metoo-mindfulness, of crisis counseling, of a desire to reach more women and girls in and outside the church on all this.
And then, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Elijah McClain, Daunte Wright, and far too many names we need to recognize.
So, where am I now in all of this?
In Fall of 2020, I experienced a major identity journey, I wrote a book in three weeks, then its sequels back-to-back. All featuring a main cast of LGBTQIA+. I channeled all my bisexual energy, recognized that energy and those desires all throughout my past, including a secret girlfriend in my youth which was a source of deep inner shame and fear for me back then.
I came out as bisexual to my husband in October, I came out to some friends in November, I came out publicly in December.
With a heart for advocacy and passionate love for the LGBTQIA+ community where I have found so much acceptance and support, I am above all committed as an author to empowerment, trauma-overcoming, queer-inclusivity, and last but not least…intersectional feminism. It’s one reason I showcase a mixed-race heroine and an all BIPOC or mixed-race cast in my passion project work I still hope will be published someday.
Because BIPOC exist. And Queer exist. We, LGBTQIA+, are here. We deserve to be seen and acknowledged. And yes, I have a major girl crush on Zendaya who was my inspiration for my leading lady for her strong voice, for her strength of attitude, for her Queen feminism. She was always the image of my main character, Elysia.
In the course of writing my passion project, I needed to show up and get uncomfortable and acknowledge a mistake, unintentional and otherwise. Thankfully, it happened in a very early draft nearly eleven months ago.
I’ve come to learn how the word “crusade” originally referred to the “holy” and/or “spiritual”, proven racist in historical context of course, but is still widely used this day, par ex: “launch a crusade against you” similar to a “Witch hunt”. Or how so many everyday terms are ones stolen from other cultures. An agent in a live panel recently referred to herself as a “ninja”. Or we need to have a “pow-wow”. It’s our responsibility as white folk to dismantle racism even through these seemingly small but culturally appropriated terms.
For my book context, while “crusader” referred to a spiritual quest on my protagonist’s heart in harnessing Mother Goddess power to rescue children from human blood farms, I switched it to “dreamer” and also omitted the original colorism-reference phrase based on a conversation Zendaya shared with a friend. Despite how this was a mere one-note conversation and never appeared anywhere else, it fell into the category of writing “marginalization” experiences and not simply BIPOC-inclusivity which has never been my intention or goal. While I could easily write this from a LGBTQIA+ side, and while I do write it “cult-trauma” and “child abuse” overcoming themes as well as feminism-related topics like sex-positivity, smashing-the-patriarchy, virginity as a social construct, dissociation awareness (i.e mental health issues) and more, I choose not to write on queer-trauma. I prefer to merely celebrate and affirm queer in my books by normalizing their presence in fantasy along with BIPOC.
My ardor over 2020’s unfolding racial justice awareness and devouring of Black-themed subject matter ran away with me in those mere three weeks of writing, and I deeply regretted such content and worked to change. This is why authors must obsessively edit.
My revised version. Later, I worked in how Elysia views herself as a dreamer when she’s viewing the photographs of the children she’s smuggled. In chapter one, when Elysia meets the Prince whose skin I describe as “dark, umber, and lustrous” and a “shade darker than my autumnal gold”. Because again, we need more than mere all-white casts because BIPOC deserve to be seen. BIPOC/Mixed-Race/Queer deserve to be the main characters and not just secondary.
Yes, I am still deconstructing and learning. I still make mistakes which I must own. I still must show up.
I have a long way to go. And whether or not my BIPOC and/or BIPOC-Queer friends want to have patience with me on that journey is absolutely their call.
But I would remiss if I didn’t include my new concluding list. Some of these are truly simple and echo where I’m at with my husband’s cancer, with raising children, and holding down a career.
I love this list.
- Marathon and not a race. It’s okay to take it slow. As long as it’s with an open heart and an open mind.
- Refusing to be colorblind.
- Reading Queer and BIPOC-inclusive books to my children.
- Teaching my girls about other cultures and ethnicities.
- Not celebrating Thanksgiving and opting for affirming Indigenous Peoples Day, October 11th, 2021.
- Reaching out to BIPOC and BIPOC/Queer as sensitivity readers but ball is in their park.
- Showing my daughters pictures and tiktok videos of Black men in dresses to affirm Black pansexuality, Black trans, or Black non-binary.
- Exploring Black Gospel music.
- Apologize for past and ongoing mistakes in this learning process.
- Have a heart for the inner city.
- Challenging and combatting racism where I see it, even if it means confronting good friends.
- Checking my white heroism at the door and recognizing this is a cultural problem, not one person’s problem.
- Supporting Black-owned businesses or Black-community organizations like Breaking Free.
- Unlearning colonialism and white supremacy education.
- Documentaries like “13th”.
- Facing facts and working to dismantle white fragility.
- Willingness to acknowledge and apologize individuality in racial stereotyping. What may not be racial stereotyping to one member of the BIPOC community could very well be to another.
- Ongoing research of works by Black voices.
- Remembering to celebrate Black positivity and read happy Black books. Read Black smut, thank you, Dahlia Rose. Still giving me the vapors!
- Do NOT overlap or view trauma as a competition. *Heavy sigh*. This is a huge one I am still working on since my bisexual identity is still new and intense and why I feel safest in the queer community. But just because I experience homophobia from a BIPOC person doesn’t give me an excuse to use it as a weapon or to push white-centrism on my trauma compared to theirs. They are TWO separate issues.
- Emotions are truth.
- Vote for and elevate the voices of BIPOC leaders to usher in a new age to dismantle systemic racism.
- Join in petitions for accountability, especially holding police accountable as the ones with authority and power in our society.
- Apologizing for past dehumanizing of President Obama. Researching his policies, I am overwhelmed by how much good he did for women and the amazing laws he passed, including designating January as National Human Trafficking Awareness Month! And loving Michelle Obama’s voice of humanity, her heart for education, and her Queen power!
- Cultivating a heart and a home of empathy, setting the example for my daughters.
- Using the privilege I have to speak up and speak out and to give a hand up.
- Intersectional feminism – LGBTQIA and BIPOC female raised together in alliance. But sit down and shut up most for Queer/BIPOC leaders.
- Choosing a labor of love all throughout our days…