A couple months ago, I read something so triggering that it took this long to finally blog about it. Seriously, one of my biggest pet peeves. Rest assured, I understand the mentality. Because I once had it myself. I used to be what one would dub a “Bible thumper”. The kind who believed it was God’s mission for her to “save” the lost or the fallen or the straying. No matter how good an evangelist’s intentions are, I am writing this post to challenge this mindset.
When a Christian I know wrote a long-winded, public Facebook post weighing in on New York’s latest abortion law (which I am opposed to I’ll just put that out there) about how she could somehow “relate” to the teen pregnant girl, the raped woman or the woman with a thriving career, though she’d never experienced ANY one of these situations, I was filled with a righteous fury. Even more so when she received over a hundred likes from most church going folks.
Church, this is why the secular culture despises privileged Christians so much. If you’ve never walked that road, don’t claim to know or imagine what it feels like.
Here are five reasons why you can’t understand. Or relate. And why you should not even try.
- Own Your Story. Don’t Project. I watch a single mom’s kids three times a week. I own that I can’t relate to what she’s going through despite the fact that she’s in my own family. I am married to a wonderful man who is there for me every single day. I can’t imagine what it feels like to crawl into a cold bed every night alone. Or to be the sole income provider for my family and all the pressure and trials that come with that. I can only own my story, my life as a red blooded, white privileged, suburban mommy jaded from the purity culture and psychological sexual trauma. That is my story. If I have not walked a mile in the shoes of the raped or the forsaken or the single mommies, I have absolutely no right to project their trials onto my life or vice versa. I can’t relate. I can’t identify. I can’t imagine. I can only choose to love, encourage, or serve her and her children in whatever ways I am able.
- Be Humble. Christian, we are not called to pedestal living. We are not called to take pride in how we can somehow identify with those who have different experiences from us. We are called to bear with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2. Rest assured, it is not loving to the vulnerable, the marginalized, the raped, the teen moms, the single mommies.
- Exclusivity. These days, there is a community for everything. If you are a mom with post-partum depression, there is a group for you with moms who have experienced similar situations. Just as there are support groups for single moms. Imagine how awkward it would be to walk into one of those organized groups, to sit down, and tell every single mom in the circle that you can “relate” to their struggles. Even if your husband will be home by 6 for dinner. There is a reason for exclusivity. Don’t invade it. Even on Facebook.
- Pride in Good Intentions. I know the mom who wrote the post had good intentions and is a good Christian. But as I’ve learned from ten years in the anti trafficking movement, there is so much pride in good intentions. When pointing out the vulnerabilities or sufferings of others while we live with so much privilege in comparison, it is pride. When we project our own separate sufferings onto those we don’t even know and can’t relate to, it is pride. Projecting is pride. And it has no place in the Body of Christ.
- Empathize as Imitators. As imitators of Christ, so we are called to…imitate, yes. The one who had the best reason in the entire universe to tell others He could relate to their struggles chose not to. Instead, he spoke truth, he spoke Spirit love into the hearts of the suffering and the vulnerable. When even questioned about His authority, He kept it hidden and refused to answer. And that was to judgmental hypocrites! Not the weak and wounded! When he performed miracles, he did not want word spread. Jesus was not interested in pedestal living. There was no hint of it in his life or words because he glorified the Father. We are to empathize with the sufferings of others while understanding we cannot take their pain as our own. We do not judge them. We love them as Jesus did.
Privileged Church, it’s time to abandon our moralistic pedestals. Its time to stop telling abused women in crisis pregnancy situations that we can understand their struggles. It’s time to stop telling the black community to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps because if we did it, so can they. It’s time to stop telling teen girls that we can imagine their struggle even if we had our first child in our twenties while married with no concern about society or family perceptions. It’s time to acknowledge that, unless we’ve been there, we can never walk a mile in their shoes. And we should not even try.