On KLOVE FM (October 6th):
“Daughters, we need to apologize to our dads for all those awkward emotional moments growing up. We put them through a lot.”
Cue TRIGGERS from middle school memories.
One of my greatest core memories of my adolescence was screaming in the bathroom at thirteen years of age. “Surprise!” My body had practically said. “You’re bleeding out of your private, dirty place and you’re probably going to die.”
Yes, this was how it went down as a middle schooler growing up in the John Piper cult where youth leaders taught girls our immodest bodies were meatsuits, the boys around us were sharks, I was kept in the dark about my cycles, and vagina shamed for years.
What was perhaps worse than any of this was how my dad was in the hallway, and he turned around and left me to my mom and sister. Sidenote: I always got along better with my dad and would have preferred his more laid-back mannerism with combining detailed facts vs. my mom and older sister’s religious elitism in reminding me never to have sex before marriage along with a vague illustrated children’s book depicting a mom and dad naked in bed and rambling sentences about sperm and fallopian tubes and eggs which was gibberish to the process.
No, the process was far louder and clearer from sources of online predators and erotica.
In the radio segment, the DJ went onto reference a so called “Dad Whisperer” Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield who counsels young women and now fathers. During this segment, she relayed how Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield discovered young women wanted their dads to draw closer to them during their crazy, hormonal teen years.
Since I recorded this little segment, I can transcribe it word for word: ““She saw the importance of fathers to their daughters. Why do you disengage? Here’s what she learned: dads would rather do nothing than get it wrong. You don’t want to get it wrong, you don’t want it to get messy. You see your daughter, you see she’s struggling and I don’t want to add to that. So, there’s a disengagement.”
After checking out Canfield’s site and having an internal cringe at articles sprinkled with well-meaning but sketchy language about fathers “winning their daughters’ hearts” and “hugging her when she assures you she’s too old for cuddling” (maybe research consent first), I’ll take Sheila Wray Gregoire’s series on Parenting Teenagers any day.
Segment goes on, “But daughters: we need you. We need our dads. We need that relationship, that love, that support, your wisdom. I’d rather have my dad get it wrong and be engaged than be disengaged. So, if that’s a good word for you today, for those dads, we wanted to encourage you: you may get it wrong, you probably will, but your daughters are forgiving…even in those awkward moments.”
I love how cleverly the language is here. Note how at the beginning of this segment, the DJ calls out for daughters to APOLOGIZE to their fathers for the sole purpose of EXISTING as a teenage girl and having the audacity to have hormones! The DJ cites how fathers are ultimately responsible and they SHOULD engage more. And why WOULDN’T this be the case when fathers are the ADULTS and girls growing up and going through adolescence are MINORS?
KLOVE: Why don’t you instruct FATHERS to APOLOGIZE to daughters?
No, instead, the KLOVE DJ refers to how “daughters are forgiving…even in those awkward moments.” Wonderful, so now daughters: you must APOLOGIZE to fathers, but you must also FORGIVE fathers for disengaging even if they do not apologize since the DJ gave no instructions to fathers to apologize.
KLOVE: Why do you teach girls to be more mature than the men around them?
KLOVE: Why must teen girls stroke their fathers’ egos and assure them those daughters will forgive them but daughters can’t expect forgiveness and understanding instead?
No, your message is clear:
Daughters must be more forgiving. Daughters must apologize for having hormones, bodies, natural cyclical rhythms, for having emotions.
KLOVE: Why don’t you call on fathers to apologize for any of their outbursts or emotions?
KLOVE: Why don’t you include sons? Do you ask young men who listen to your show to apologize to their MOTHERS for existing and being teenage boys and for having testosterone?
No, the mother in “I’ll Love You Forever” definitely never expected this from her “As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be” big adult son. Even during the years she felt like she was living in a zoo, her love for her son was unconditional.
So thank you K-LOVE for the new blog post idea and for establishing WHY I only listen to certain songs and hardly ever listen to your so-called “one minute of encouragements” since they’re not that encouraging.
This segment was not encouraging to the teenage girl inside me who was never taught how to regulate her emotions, who was never taught about her cycles or hormones, whose church preyed on her while outside, it was online predators, who had a father who pulled away in those adolescent moments, and the girl who was ultimately period-shamed, vagina-shamed, body-shamed, and more.
No, I will not apologize for those years. I survived them. And I own them and take them back by writing blog posts like this and calling out this toxicity where I see or hear it.
So, no…Daughters: Do NOT Apologize to Your Fathers.
Fathers, Do BETTER!
First NO BIAS: I can say this with no bias. I had a GOOD relationship with my dad growing up. It was better than the relationship with my mom or sister, and I preferred to spend time with him over them.
But I will never forget my “Anne with an E” period moment when my dad ultimately pulled away when I needed him most.
Second NO BIAS: I know men can do better because my HUSBAND does BETTER every single day! Since my husband and I were engaged, he’s taken the time to chart my cycle and research my hormones and my emotions. I remember in our early days of marriage when I got my period. He knew I didn’t like him pulling away during those times because it reminded me of the shame from my past. So, he would buy me chocolate ice cream and set aside time to cuddle and watch movies on the couch with me. He learned how best to talk to me during my deep depression times, my intense times, and to affirm and validate me when I was walking on cloud nine.
I am so grateful to have him as a husband because he is ALSO a DADDY of two DAUGHTERS! Rest assured, he is already involved in discussions about their bodies, consent, their vaginas, boundaries, sex, etc. He will also be involved in conversations about cycles and growing up and pregnancy.
There is no one I’d rather do life with than this intelligent and emotive man who would never put the responsibility or the blame on a daughter for a father’s lack of engagement.
So, my husband joins with me in saying: daughters, don’t apologize to your fathers.
Fathers, do better!
PERIOD!