Title: “Heart-warming Photo of Little Boy Giving Skin-to-Skin to One of His Premature Sibling”. When I read this story, I immediately remembered my own husband. Even though my baby was not premature, she was emergency delivered early and thanks to anesthesia, Kevin got to hold her for a full hour before me. However, this is not a post about SSC (skin-to-skin contact) but rather a reflection on *who* is involved in the SSC.
Over the holidays, I loved this picture that went viral of Joseph holding baby Jesus while Mary slept and rightly so!
I also discovered a little gem of a story about a little boy with multiple older brothers whose father went on deployment. To help ease the loss, the mother took all her boys to Target to buy one special toy. And Jynsen chose a brown-skinned baby doll that he swaddles and dresses and holds to his chest. And yes, Jynsen still enjoys playing with trucks and cars and rolling around with his brothers.
(Fun fact: my girls do, too. They love mud and princesses and legos and baby dolls and wrestling around with mommy or daddy.)
Just recently, I read a Facebook post about a mother raising her boys to be “STRONG”. Strong boys is prominent in both secular and religious communities around the world.
Today, I am outlining a plea to parents everywhere to instead raise their boys to be LOVING (you know…like Jesus) instead of strong. Here is why.
- The Idea of “STRONG” Boys Hurts Their Future Emotions. The child-rearing of the “man-up” culture shows itself in some deep-rooted problems where men can’t process healthy emotions. James O’Neil, PhD Professor of Educational Psychology and Family Studies at the University of Connecticut reveals in light of fifteen years of research on gender roles how the gender socialization of men has set them up to fail. In restricting emotion, men develop a lack of feelings-based empathy. However, the majority develop an action-based empathy which is able to predict what people will do ― thereby benefitting the self in regards to manipulation. Moreover, a primary emotion developed in boys is anger and the learning of channeling emotion through sexuality.
1. A. Men also have higher negative attitudes with seeking help. For example: men are “several times” more likely to commit suicide than women. This shows the plausible deniability of gender-based research that tries to claim more women are depressed. No, it’s just that men don’t admit it in a culture which emotionally stunts them from childhood. Whether their inability to seek help for mental health issues or something as simple as men being less likely to volunteer than women, these are the effects of raising boys to be “strong”. - The Idea of “STRONG” Boys Influences Them to Violence: widespread sexual abuse, gender inequality, wage gaps, sexism, and a country fueling the demand to become number one for sex trafficking with men committing the majority of violent crime. In a study published in “Violence Against Women” of surveyed collegiate athletes, more than half admitted to coercing a partner into sex. When reviewing such facts that 1/3 women experience intimate partner violence, it should be sobering to parents everywhere. In the wake of the #metoo movement, new statistics are shedding light on the issue of sexual violence plaguing our country. Shouldn’t this be an outrage to Christian parents of both boys and girls? Do we need more strong, macho men?
- The Idea of “STRONG” Boys Prepares Them For Careers NOT Families. Even if the stereotypical “boys will be boys” adagio is subtly condemned, it is still played out on the playground and beyond. Boys are encouraged to be risk takers but not girls. Boys “locker room” talk is excused. Boys egos are stroked. Boys have abundant role models in pop culture and history while the populace condemns a female superhero and the voices of women who contributed and defined history are lost. Just research: ROSALIND FRANKLIN.
3. A. Ironically, while the Church stresses on positive families to fulfill the Old Testament mandate of “be fruitful and multiply”, they leave men wholly unequipped to participate. Perhaps this is why church communities, organizations, and companies push out more books, conferences, and groups on marriage and child-raising than the secular sector. Decades of all of this education has not helped much as we can view from the parallel divorce rate between the church and the secular world, the awareness of more #churchtoo’s, and 64% of Christian men viewing porn at least once a month (not far behind rates of secular men. The idea of “strong” boys shapes them to pursue their goals, be higher risk takers, and perhaps even serve in biologically demanding fields. But at the end of the day, careers are comfortable. Relationships…families are not. Why? - The Idea of “STRONG” Boys Plays into Gender Stereotypes. While the percentage of moms working outside the home has steadily risen, the patriarchal definitions of gender and the associated pressures – I.e Talcott Parsons – still play out within the Church. The belief that women have inferior brains to men but are more nurturing and should stay at home is a predominant one that Darwin himself preached. However, new cognitive and neuroscientists research have debunked this and reveal more into the power of “nurture” and its impact on the brain. So is the argument of hormones despite the fact that testosterone levels decrease when fathers play a more active parenting role (wink wink). Perhaps it’s helpful for men in learning feelings-based empathy. The gender norms break down more when learning how successful companies are with women leaders at the helm. So, how does this impact relationships?
- The Idea of “STRONG” Boys Diminishes Equality. It should be sobering that the Church closely parallels the culture in terms of masculine and feminine attributes: Masculine = “aggressive, dominant, tough, warrior, powerful” and Feminine: “polite, kind, submissive, nurturing, agreeable, weak,.” While a boy’s value is in how he can be bolstered and encouraged in his manliness, a girl’s value is in how she can serve others and submit to them (especially males). This reveals one important truth: a desperate need for equality. Slow down before you automatically get a picture of the angry, vag-hat wearers holding protest signs. Though a bit dated, Joel Anderson of Washington University, weighs in on this age-old concept in a piece aptly titled: Is Equality Tearing Families Apart? He argues for a pro-family AND pro-equality Model. Yes, this is what those scary egalitarians love to preach! According to neo-traditionalists, fathers are considered the best protector and provider and the differentiation between motherhood and fatherhood roles bring balance while the equality model will strip men of their masculine pride. (Funny since I remember many Bible verses condemning pride). However, an Equality Model believes the *best* of both spouses with a refusal to limit them while promoting the Scriptural emphasis on the universal allotment of “spiritual gifts”. We do not seek to strip away roles. Merely that wives and husbands and fathers and mothers do not have to be defined by them. When The Bible uses the feminine pronoun for God, this is more understandable. It even shines a light on the scientific backing of how egalitarian fatherhood roles create hormones and change men’s brain structure to become better fathers!
- The Idea of “STRONG” Boys Does Not Raise Them to be Like Jesus. When we think of “Strong” Jesus, perhaps we conjure up Jesus wielding the whip and driving out the Temple money changers. While this may be accurate, it does not apply within the context of family or how men are to interact with women. Did Jesus hold a whip when he interacted with women or children or even his own disciples? While Jesus used scathing words for his disciples at times, the overall picture of Jesus is rarely displayed by “STRONG” men today. Jesus who wept in public, who embraced his brethren with a holy kiss, who took the form of a servant and washed the feet of the disciples, who radically broke household codes and gender norms with respect to women, children, foreigners, diseased, outcasts, and more.
6. A. Perhaps the greatest attribute for Jesus is one of LOVE, which echoes his parable of the Good Samaritan ― the ultimate and universal display of love ―, the greatest commandments: “Love God, Love Your Neighbor”, and who could forget the Fruit of the Spirit: LOVE, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Self-control is far more apt to describe Jesus’s behavior. Whether in walking away from foolish controversies instead of bolstering his authority to the very Cross where he denied the host of angels waiting at his beck and call.
When I consider the examples of boys like Jynsen and men like my husband who embrace nurturing roles, I gain a picture of Jesus. Jesus who protected, empowered, honored, respected, and celebrated women by name, released the voice of women, learned from women, was funded by women, and spoke of women as examples to be followed.
However, these traits of Jesus are not and should not be male dominated. Men and women are called to be “imitators of Christ”- Ephesians 5:1-2. One of my new favorites is Galatians 2:28. “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all ONE in Christ Jesus.” YES! We are all adopted into the “family” of God. Male and female alike are equal coheirs in Christ – Romans 8:17.
At heart, this is egalitarianism and the image I want for my daughter. For her life and her world. But sadly, the world is broken.
I collect memes. It’s a hobby. I found this doozy by Elizabeth Acevedo. It echoes my feelings in light of this broken world:
Too often, I fixate on raising my daughters to be “shrewd as serpents” and not “innocent as doves” because of how damning innocence can be in a world of “strong” boys. One heaping pixie dust pile of grace is how HIGH Kevin has set the bar for our little girls. A father who was raised by good matriarchs and witnessed a care-taking father in his childhood as well as examples of nurturing and loving grandfathers. In short, Kevin grew up well-prepared for daughters.
So, I plead with parents everywhere to throw away the neo pagan Herculean concept of “STRONG” both physically and spiritually and teach their boys to embrace the sweetness of LOVE and the Spirit fruits. Your boys are already getting bombarded with messages of strength from the revolving door of male superheroes and TV heroes, “boys will be boys” and “man up” messages, patriarchal grooming, and the porn culture. Don’t forget how subtle messages can be damaging. Like reminding boys of their strength when holding little babies ― (FYI: my three year old also could have killed her six month old sister when she picked her up by her neck after I specifically told her NOT to take her out of her swing one time!) ― is simply another way of reaffirming their biology and testosterone instead of empowering them with gratitude of their caring and serving hearts. “Thank you for holding your little brother/sister/nursery baby so gently! It’s clear you are working hard to be tender!”
If my girls ever express a desire to date, they will remember what I have taught them: don’t look for a “STRONG” boy. Look for a boy who is NOT ashamed to define himself as: loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, gentle, faithful, and self-controlled.
Strong never makes the list.