Kevin and I just had our TEN YEAR Anniversary this past weekend! In honor of that, I decided it was the perfect time to blog about our recent marital journey. Thanks to a prominent activist I know and trust, I recently launched a full blown investigation into complimentarianism vs egalitarianism. Anyone who knows me knows I love research. I pack away much in this brain, not just memes. Challenge accepted!
In Sarah Bessey’s book Jesus Feminist, she recalls theologian Carolyn Curtis James definition of egalitarians: “believe that leadership is not determined by gender but by gifting and calling of the Holy Spirit, and that God calls all believers to submit to one another.” And complimentarians to “believe the Bible establishes male authority over women, making male leadership the Biblical standard.”
An immediate memory was triggered: We’d spent a year house hunting. Kevin and I visited three different houses in one neighborhood in our price range. We wanted the second the most, but our offer was rejected. So, we looked at the third and even paid for an inspection. All my feelings surrounding this house were negative. But it was time to fish or cut bait.
For an hour, we wrestled on whether or not to put an offer on the house. Kevin wanted my input. Approaching midnight, I broke down and cried. A complimentarian husband would have taken dominant leadership. He would have said “I got this” and would have put his authority over my struggling spirit. Instead, my egalitarian husband knelt before me, took my hand, and validated my struggles. He trusted the Spirit battle inside me. He wanted us to make this decision united together. He wanted me to have “peace”. After rejecting that house, it was less than two weeks later that the house we truly wanted came back to us. After the buyer walked. This blessing confirmed my husband showed true servant leadership and demonstrated mutual submission by choosing to listen.
Looking back, I now realize this potent memory, among others, is proof that mine and Kevin’s marriage was egalitarian before we realized it was. Below are five brief reasons that show we are egalitarians and why.
- Cooking and Cleaning: When we got married, Kevin took on the role of cooking and shared cleaning despite his full time job. While we were still dating and engaged, Kevin knew how much I hated to cook. It was not my forte. It was not my desire. He accepted this without complaint. I accepted that it could take him two hours to make hamburger helper on occasion and that ramen and crock pot chicken stew was our staple prior to having children. He never set expectations of me, pressuring or otherwise. It’s one reason I fell in love with him. He let me grow on my own time table to where I was comfortable taking on other roles, which happened four years after right around the time our first daughter was born.
- Finances: Kevin always tried to include me in financial decisions. I was raised complimentarian even if my parents didn’t fully practice this. The Church was always louder on that. I believed the husband held the purse strings. He made the most money, so it was only natural he control it despite the wife’s contributions or how she should have an equal role in how the money is to be spent. Kevin set up a joint account early on. I only worked part time. He’s always worked full time. You do the math. Moreover, he continued to try and show me the budget, his financial plans. Despite my constant refuting this because I didn’t understand finances, he continued to encourage me to have input.
- Work Roles: If it was possible, Kevin and I would both work part time or I would work full time while Kevin prefers to stay at home. We’ve had numerous conversations about this. To this day, while Kevin is a relational driven problem solver who can take or leave a 9-5 workplace, I am a go getter. I have a restlessness and a long for connection outside the home. While this is not in God’s current plan, Kevin is supportive of my need to carve out spaces apart from domestic life to write, to take up my activist/speaker robe, and to volunteer where and when I can. Kevin’s ideal workplace is a life one. From engaging people whether it’s fixing a single mom’s computer to teaching our daughters how to garden to starting his non profit: Acts of Random Kare.
- Shared responsibilities. Despite the fact that Kevin works full time and I’m a stay at home mom, I can’t ever recall a time where he has come home from work and complained that dinner is not on the table. Nor has he ever complained over me not getting to do laundry, even if he doesn’t have his work pants for the next day. Kevin has modeled a humility in intentionally doing laundry himself or grabbing a sandwich. There is never an implied “woman, make me a sandwich.” He understands how life gets the best of everybody, how things fall apart, and how to be an adult and take responsibility. Fun fact: I don’t make lunches for him either. Every once in awhile I will if there’s time between getting our daughter ready for school. It’s always a nice little surprise. Why? Because he doesn’t expect it. I never feel guilty either.
- Parenting vs Babysitting. Kevin doesn’t babysit. He parents. When Emmy was a baby, the parent who could calm her down the most was Kevin. Even if I was the one feeding her, he was the one rocking her to sleep almost every night. Something he loved even if he had bags under his eyes ready for his 90 minute commute. Despite this dynamic changing with our second daughter, the die-hard mommy’s girl from birth and my second chance at bonding, Kevin has always parented our girls. From the moment he gets home, both our girls clamor for his attention. Unlike some husbands who will withdraw to their man caves to play video games or work on projects, Kevin gives me a reprieve to nurture and play with our girls. Whether it looks like me reading in the tub or retreating to the bedroom for some writing, Kevin owns that time as a father. And after the girls go to bed, it’s mommy and daddy’s time oooh la la!
Kevin and I have only just begun to venture onto this marital road of egalitarian discovery. Despite years of unconscious practice, we are still novices on the nuances and varying complexities of egalitarianism. But it’s clear that God has called us and is equipping us for this road. And we are finding pure marital joy in the journey!