As an author of enemies to lovers, I appreciate when enemies-to-lovers books are written well without glorifying abuse. A classic example is Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice: arguably the ultimate one.
Unfortunately, a new trend of enemies to lovers romance has rocketed to the forefront of the young adult best-seller universe: the bully romance. As a #metoo and an abuse survivor as well as advocate and a YA author, I am passionate and borderline obsessive about raising awareness to any books which are harmful and/or grooming for teenagers. Books with similar content also groomed me as a young adult.
For their Valentine’s 2021 issue, the Domestic Violence Services Network Inc raised the issue on how romance is being redefined by popular YA works. How “Abusive and controlling behavior is often portrayed as an expression of love and, therefore, desirable. It is “romanticized” into something positive that the reader should root for and idealize in their own relationships.” We all know the harms of girls believing in “Fixing the Bad Boy” or the “Dangerous Guy Fascination” i.e Twilight syndrome.
There is a fine line between writing flawed characters with a redemption arc or at the very least an awareness over their misdeeds vs. writing characters who willfully engage in abusive behavior and are portrayed by the author as “sexy”. Especially when countless MC female victims have such little self-respect pairing with a deep need for attention where they internalize and accept an abuser’s actions as romantic.
Internalized misogyny is woven so deep into the fabric of our society that we train the next generation to normalize and accept abuse as “sexy”.
Imagine what would happen in our current culture if a book was written for teens where an unredemptive, unapologetic young KKK member was portrayed as sexy despite repeated and normalized patterns of racism. Or apply this to the queer community with a homophobic love interest. If these tropes are damaging and unacceptable, we should likewise not condone the harmful bully romances populating the YA sphere.
Below are listed some of the commonalities of some prominent YA books which can easily be labeled as bully romances due to the prominent abuse in their pages.
1. POWER: As with real-life bullies, the bully love interests of popular books such as Holly Black’s The Cruel Prince, Tahreh Mafi’s Shatter Me, and Sarah J. Maas’s ACOTAR series are all in positions of power or authority. Thus it becomes easy to idolize them as many abusers in our day and age spend years in the limelight with their actions excused, hidden, or even glorified such as Harvey Weinstein, Donald Trump, and Jeffrey Epstein. In The Cruel Prince, for example, one may debate on how Jude is equally as toxic, but there is a strong difference between someone in a position of power as Cardan is and using his power against a victim and a victim/survivor defending herself through vengeful tactics as a warning against future behavior. Unfortunately, this becomes a cycle as Cardan’s toxicity doesn’t stop, and both “love interests” begin a self-destructive and equal-bullying downward spiral.
2. TRAGIC OR ABUSIVE BACKGROUND: Hurt people hurt people, this we know. However, when it comes to narcissist abusers, it is not an excuse. On the contrary, psychologists have proven the mindset behind is abuse is out of a desire for dominance, control, lack of empathy, and entitlement. NOT a tragic background. Unfortunately, a common thread of YA books is to weave in a tragic or abusive backstory for the abuser in order for the audience to empathize with them. It is a classic author gaslighting technique. While a complex and trauma background may help develop a character, is not healthy to glorify or excuse their toxic behavior. The Joker is a prime example where a complex and traumatic background does an apt job of explaining but not glorifying a character’s behavior. The Joker is still the villain. And even his romance with Harley Quinn is considered damaging and toxic, not to mention how it’s clearly marketed to adults NOT teens. But bully romances use traumatic backgrounds to condone abuse.
A. In Shatter Me, for example, Warner’s tragic backstory becomes a calculated technique for the audience to relate and empathize with him through the main character, Juliette, despite how he imprisoned her for months, waged psychological and emotional warfare upon her, used her for her power, assaulted her etc. These repeated patterns of abuse are dismissed and condoned for the sake of the crazy chemistry and “sexual tension” of Warner and Juliette.
B. In ACOTAR, Rhysand uses his tragic backstory within the context of a several-pages monologue to excuse his patterns of coercively drugging Feyre, treating her as a sexual “escort”, sexually assaulting her, and how he preyed on her when she was dying, twisted her broken arm, and coerced her into a slavery deal and marking her with his permanent ink. His ultimate explanation is “I was jealous” and how he did it out of love. While people debate with his villain status in book one, the fact remains: Rhysand used his power to take advantage of Feyre sexually and emotionally. This becomes very dangerous considering Feyre has such little self-esteem and self-respect (always referring to herself as prey and wondering if she’s a whore in book two), that she does not demand an apology nor a change in his behavior. Instead, the audience reads her total acceptance and crediting Rhysand with “saving” and “healing” her despite his additional patterns in book two of lies, manipulation, sexual objectification, sexual harassment, using her for her powers, taking advantage of her, playing the victim card etc. Any of his negative actions are dismissed as a “mask” even when he acts toxically in private.
C. In The Cruel Prince, Cardan’s abusive background becomes the explanation for his cruelty. The title is literally called The Cruel Prince after all, and whether it’s attempted murder of the main character, Jude, or having her crawl on her hands and knees in her underthings to kiss his boots, all his cruelty is conveniently considered “sexy” for how much Jude idolizes and falls for him. Regarding Jude’s toxicity, she pours herself into calculated measures of revenge. But for someone in her lower position who is aggrieved first, her actions are far more easily understood and condoned than his. Especially when Cardan’s abusive behavior is the trigger. Unfortunately, the more Cardan abuses Jude, the more drawn to him she is. Nor does he ever apologize for his behavior. Instead, the audience is meant to empathize with him and his self-destructive patterns on account of his past and the cruelty of the culture. And since Jude becomes the puppeteer machination behind his rise to power, thus becomes another internalized misogyny case of falling for your abuser romanticized for teenagers.
3. SEXUAL ASSAULT VS. SEXUAL TENSION: Another common theme of bully romances is passing off sexual harassment/assault as sexual tension. As one who has been on the receiving end of sexual harassment and manipulative assault, I want to assure my readers, it is not. It is not harmless locker room talk, and the mindset behind sexual harassment is one of considering women inferior sexual objects. In the ACOTAR series, there is a pattern of sexual harassment and assault (yes, touching her waist and non-intimate regions/forcing her against a wall and kissing her all count), but these are simply passed off as sexual tension and actions for which he had “good reasons”. Feyre considers Rhysand a hero and her savior despite his manipulations and months-long lies and how he treated her as sexual property. As one noteworthy blogger pointed out: “He even applies this to unnecessary choices that appeared to sexually gratify himself and not Feyre. This is textbook sexual harassment ― and sexual assault/battery once it becomes physical.” Feyre responds to all Rhysand’s private AND public sexual objectification by smirking or laughing it off. Unfortunately, this is a subtle yet dangerous method of influencing girls to normalizing sexual harassment Cassian, another member of Rhysand’s Inner Circle, is very similar with his behavior toward Nesta, Feyre’s older sister.
4. VIOLATION OF BOUNDARIES: I’ve weighed in heavily in my other critique about toxic masculinity in ACOTAR, but in addressing Cassian and Nesta, the first true interaction between them reveals a dangerous pattern of disrespect, especially for a #metoo survivor as Nesta. In a bonus scene of A Court of Mist and Fury, Cassian learns Nesta is a survivor of sexual assault after invading her space and demanding the answers to deeply personal questions. Instead of granting her space and respecting her boundaries after she clearly didn’t want him there, he grips her hand and pins it against his, moves in, snarls, and shows he cares more about the idea of attacking whoever hurt her rather than respecting Nesta and her body. He goes so far as to kiss her without her consent, insults her, and refuses to let her go when she tries to escape. The shining moment was Nesta defending herself by kneeing him in the balls. All these crossed boundaries and sexual assault are merely brushed off and portrayed as sexual tension. Sadly, Cassian’s sexual harassment and objectification of her continues in Nesta’s book, A Court of Silver Flames, which could be considered the ultimate bully romance book alongside The Cruel Prince.
5. NARCISSISM: There is no denying these toxic males are narcissists. From arrogant behaviors and speech to over-inflated ego to low empathy to a need for attention and admiration to emotional and verbal manipulation. Cassian also displays this breed of narcissism in A Court of Silver Flames from him sexually objectifying Nesta while she is in a state of self-destructive suffering to feeding her self-destructive patterns by having sex with her whereby he ultimately benefits. He doesn’t disguise his entitlement, nor how he treats her as an object and refuses to defend her from Rhysand’s dangerous threats despite the “bond” designating them as “fated mates” ―a bond which should, by default, make Cassian far more territorial of Nesta. Perhaps the saddest fact in The Cruel Prince is how the protagonist, Jude, is also a narcissist and like Cardan, both are equally toxic. Moreover, Jude has severe mental health issues from her own tragic background. But while films such as “Girl Interrupted” which address mental health are marketed to adults, the ACOTAR series and The Cruel Prince are young adult books. While Black is a master at world-building and crafting lore as well as presenting a unique portrayal of femininity and masculinity, there is no reasonable guide or trigger warnings for teens regarding the content of the fae world’s normalization of physical and psychological child abuse, murder, attempted abortion, graphic injuries, forced drugs, torture, slavery, and more. Sadly, Jude doesn’t wish to escape this horrific culture that left her traumatized as a child but rather to become part of it. The romance message turns narcissistic violence into “love”. And ultimately, power and sex become the solutions to mental health and trauma.
6. TRAUMA: Trauma is a prominent theme in bully romances and both SJM and Black are masters of writing protagonists with PTSD. Jude, the protagonist of The Cruel Prince (despite its Cardan-centered title) acts out with defiance, little fear, and anger brought about by her circumstances of watching her parents murdered as a child and her murderer stepfather abducting her to live with him in the fae world. Stockholm Syndrome is another unfortunate result of this, though this is not the case for her half-sister, her stepfather’s biological child, Vivia, who actively rebels against him and the fae world. Centering the story around Vivia and her survivor-hood and escaping to the human world to live with her girlfriend would have been a far more appropriate story to portray for young adults vs. Jude’s sociopathy, obsession with fae, rage at her ordinary-ness, and idolization of an abuser and her instrumental in bringing him to more power. Vivia and Taryn, the two sisters, are far healthier examples of strong feminism vs Jude.
A. Another case where women are not given respect and healing is in their trauma responses. The only time they are permitted to be loud or take up space is when obeying the powerful male or defending the powerful male i.e Mor and her internalized misogynistic viewpoints with Rhysand. When abuse is ultimately about control, anyone can analyze how the Inner Circle in A Court of SIlver Flames want to control and relegate Nesta. Not the other way around. While cutting off someone’s liquor spending and incentivizing them to pursue a career while providing them with love and support are legitimate forms of intervention, locking someone on a mountaintop in a hostile environment is not. The one good thing about this book was Nesta’s friendship with Gwyn and Emerie.
7. STIGMATIZATION OF MENTAL HEALTH DISORDERS: Another danger in the portrayal of trauma for teens is the normalization of stigmatizing mental health disorders while portraying the protagonist’s need for power and acceptance into a culture defined by cruelty and murder as the “ultimate” and “achievable” goal. Yes, we know some women in our society have turned cutthroat in order to carve their paths. However, cutthroat behavior which includes self-destructive patterns, bullying, toxicity, and even murder should not be glorified. Neither should trauma responses such as dissociation be considered feminist. As a trauma survivor with PTSD, it enrages me to read portrayals of dissociation and self-destructive behavior are equated as positive and feminist when they are harmful and false feminism.
8. FALSE FEMINISM: Trauma responses such as dissociation as survival strategies are not feminism. Feyre did not reclaim anything in the Court of Nightmares in book two but rather dissociated to become who Rhysand wanted her to be: a wild, dark, and hypersexualized being. Just as Nesta getting on her knees before Amren and apologizing to the Inner Cirrcle is not feminism or reclamation. Women in power like Mor and Amren slut-shaming and verbally and emotionally abusing other women is also not feminism. Jude becoming just as toxic if not more so than the culture around her and claiming power over Cardan from behind the scenes simply because he “accepts” her using him is not true feminism. Examples of true feminism: The Handmaid’s Tale with women uniting as rebel allies. Red Queen Series where Mare survives, escapes, and inevitably kills her abuser in defense of herself and others in a war. Evangeline owning her own strength and fighting for her relationship with Elaine and walking away from battle in this same series. Alina leaving the Darkling in Shadow and Bone. All these and more are far better examples of feminism.
A. Instead of parading bully romances as “feminist”, we should encourage and empower the young feminists of our world to don their RBG collars and capes and become cultural movers and shakers and REFORMERS. So, they may look to the likes of Michelle Obama as a role model so, “When someone is cruel or acts like a bully, you don’t stoop to their level. When they go low, we go high!” When men model violence in our culture, yes, I want my daughters to defend themselves. But I never want them to identify with characters who stoop to those levels. Despite how we may find cutthroat characters relatable, it is not acceptable to glorify their traits or ship their violent couplings as “romance” just as it’s not acceptable to glorify any individual’s inner prejudices of white supremacy or homophobia. The truest danger is the fact that thousands of teen readers seek to identify with the protagonist and her romance, but when the protagonist is mentally unstable and murderous or when she’s a hypersexualized pawn with a toxic alpha male as a love interest, therein lies the danger of a fall-for-your-abuser arc without redemption or healing.
9. FALSE HEALING: Perhaps the most tragic finality of popular bully romances such as The Cruel Prince, Shatter Me, and the ACOTAR series is not just the lack of true healing arcs but rather how healing is portrayed. In these romances, the protagonist learns to accept her abuser, to view him as “kind”, and humbles herself before other abusive figures around her. In A Court of Silver Flames, it is not simply the love interest who abuses Nesta but the entire Inner Circle. Nesta exhibits classic PTSD traits such as emotional numbness, negative self-loathing, flashbacks, dissociation, depression, loss of interests, self-destructive behavior etc. But instead of support and empowerment, Nesta is slut-shamed, verbally and emotionally abused, and the Inner Circle uses their authority against her to have an “intervention” where Nesta is insulted and silence and given an ultimatum. The Inner Circle’s forces her into their “version of rehab”. Sadly, this rehab involves physical training and forced proximity with Cassian after he sexually assaulted her. This is extremely damaging, especially considering Nesta had been through extreme trauma and never went out of her way to harass or abuse anyone. Other than mere silence or rudeness/aggressiveness in defense, she simply wanted to be left alone. Another horrible and useless plot device was Rhysand and the Inner Circle pressuring Nesta to seduce another lord of the court despite her background of her own mother grooming her to seduce older men when she was only fourteen. Not only is this not a healing arc of reclaiming, it’s a deep insult and a re-traumatization. Not surprising when Rhysand did the same to Feyre in the Court of Nightmares in A Court of Mist and Fury.
A. Worst of all, this pattern of “faux healing” ends with Nesta giving Cassian a speech about how she loves him, how kind he is, and how she does not deserve someone like him despite Cassian treating Nesta as a sexual object for the majority of the book and a means to satisfy his own sexual desires. Sadly, Nesta proclaims she rather deserves someone evil and mean. Instead of denying this and affirming her worth, Cassian merely begins groping her. So, the reader is left to believe a healing arc consists of a woman accepting all abusers’ emotional and verbal abuse, humbling herself, apologizing for her trauma responses, considering herself unworthy of respect and love, and giving up her power in order to “redeem” herself for taking up a little space, for being a little aggressive and rude, and for having trauma responses.
10. NORMALIZING CRUELTY: All these characters exist in a realm where “love” comes with attached strings of hatred, cruelty, humiliation, and degradation. Through these portrayals, the teen reader identifies with the masochistic protagonist and internalizes the misogyny and abuse instead of a healing and redemption arc leading to true romance as Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice offers us. While cruelty certainly exists in our world and especially in fantasy worlds, it doesn’t mean cruelty or abuse should be romanticized for youth.
CONCLUSION: So, I have weighed in and addressed much in this post. While some would consider me demonizing books too much and argue in favor of how these are merely works of fiction, I understand as an author and an advocate how fiction shapes and influences reality. It certainly shaped mine from childhood and led me to normalize much if not all of my critique points.
Through the written word, we internalize countless messages from society. When fiction is a go-to for escape, if the messages offered are of toxic bully romance, then we lead vulnerable youth to escape to characters who use their power against others, worlds where cruelty and humiliation are the norm, where narcissism and sexual harassment are considered romantic, and where mental health issues are not paid the true respect they are due but characters only find healing in becoming like or worse than their abusers or accepting them. When teen fiction is written by real people with real minds and hearts and viewpoints they inject into their work for impressionable youth, we should hold them to better examples. I can only believe the youth of this generation are far more aware and knowledgable than I was at their age.
As a #metoo and PTSD survivor, I understand my past flaws as an author and how I injected toxicity from my cult background into my books. The years I spent writing my anti-trafficking Uncaged Series were ones of processing my sexuality, training in advocacy, and raising awareness to the dangers of trafficking but setting it in a dystopian setting. While I write on themes of mental health and trauma and reference sexual abuse, I still keep my opening books PG13 and never glorify the toxic male’s actions toward the protagonist. Moreover, I include a trigger warning in my book’s Author’s Note as well as Discussion Questions and a Resources Guide.
As a mother of two daughters and as an abuse survivor who has processed more due to therapy as well as a proud bisexual feminist, I am committing myself instead to write better, to do better, and to be better for not just them but for any young adult who picks up my books or reads my future serialized works on Vella.
Positive Books of Teens Surviving and Walking Away from Abuse:
Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo
Truthwitch Series by Susan Dennard
Red Queen Series by Victoria Aveyard
Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor
Strange, the Dreamer by Laini Taylor
The Uncaged Series by Emily Shore
Ash Princess by Laura Sebastian
The Glass Arrow by Kristin Simmons
The Woodlands Saga by Lauren Nicolle Taylor
Exquisite Captive by Heather Demetrios
Graceling by Kristen Cashore
Other Teen Books with Romanticized Abuse Arcs
Hush Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick
Shadowhunters by Cassandra Clare
Rose Blood by A. G. Howard
Wrath and the Dawn by Renee Ahdieh
Wither by Lauren de Stefano (Sidenote: Linden is not a typical abuser. Multiple brides is also not glorified by the main character, Rhine, who is one bride. However, Linden is portrayed as far softer and more likable despite how he is a twenty-year-old man who impregnates his twelve-year-old girl-wife. So, despite how Rhine (16) survives and escapes and despite the virus circumstances and shortened life-spans, I’m including Wither on the list for how Linden’s characterization is emphasized as more positive despite his polygamy of abducted girls and taking advantage of a very young girl.)
Other Good Posts to Explore:
https://triggerwarningdatabase.com/2021/02/17/the-cruel-prince-by-holly-black/ – This post offers a trigger warning regarding The Cruel Prince.
https://gracelapointe.medium.com/acotars-rhysand-should-have-stayed-a-villain-d99d3c1475fb
http://betsynies.domains.unf.edu/whyasotoxic/the-problem-with-warner/
https://cultcrumbs.wordpress.com/2018/08/06/the-cruel-prince-turns-violence-into-romance/
https://bookhuggerreviews.com/the-cruel-prince-review/
https://fantasyandcoffee.com/a-deep-dive-analysis-of-holly-blacks-the-cruel-prince/ (Note on this deep analysis: it offers many good points, but the author compares Cruel Prince to *Adult* content while The Cruel Prince is marketed to teenagers. However, this author still raises many good points on a masculinity/femininity analysis.)