Kevin and I have been married for eleven years. Together for nearly fifteen. But despite how our marriage has always been “well-regulated” in psychologist terminology, we embarked into extreme growth and transformation in 2019.
Last May, we celebrated our ten-year anniversary with a three-day weekend at a B&B in Duluth. Reading, writing, hiking, watching tv, walking, and loving every minute of it. One book we read was Sarah Bessey’s Jesus Feminist, an introductory book into this new world of egalitarianism. For those who don’t know what egalitarianism is, a brief definition from Sarah Bessey’s book phrasing Carolyn Custis James theologian: egalitarians “believe that leadership is not determined by gender but by the gifting and calling of the Holy Spirit and that God calls all believers to submit to one another.” In contrast, complementarians “believe the Bible establishes male authority over women, making male leadership the Biblical standard.”
This is not a critique of egalitarianism vs. complementarianism. Instead, this is a heartfelt declaration of how egalitarianism has strengthened our marriage, and with a little openness, togetherness, and some deconstruction (normally involves reading together), it can be the same for you!
- We embrace our Triangle. Despite how many evangelical male headship circles liken marriage to an umbrella with God at the top followed by pastors/elders, then husband, wife, then children, Kevin and I prefer a triangle with the Trinity at the top and Kevin and I on each side of the bottom. Biblical egalitarianism confirms this. Many analogies are better than the umbrella such as the binding of the three cords, which we used at our wedding.
- We embrace our strengths and bear each other’s weaknesses. For Kevin and I, life is an ebb and flow. We daily balance each other out. Whether it’s me encouraging Kevin through his anxiety or him tempering my intensity, we embrace bearing each other’s burdens. We share the load and work as a team.
- We embrace equality. Galatians 3:28 has become a cherished verse of ours. “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” We lead with this beautiful, liberating verse of equality. It echoes Genesis with Adam recognizing Eve’s equality as “bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh”. It also acknowledges that we are both Genesis 1:27 “image-bearers” contrary to many churches’ misinterpretation of women as image-bearers of men and men as image-bearers of Christ. We’ve used this in parenting in recognizing our children as equal image-bearers and worthy of guidance rather than always falling under power and hierarchy.
- We embrace our spiritual gifts. In I Corinthians 12, the distribution of spiritual gifts is not allocated by sex. Kevin and I both have spiritual gifts that contribute to our family, to society, and to our communities in different ways. Leading with equality, neither mine nor Kevin’s spiritual gifts are greater than the other. Just as we are one in Christ, so our gifts are also one.
- We embrace non-traditional roles. In seminary, one wonderful statement I learned about egalitarians is that our desire is not to destroy traditional roles. It’s simply our desire not to be confined to or defined by those roles. Currently, Kevin is the main breadwinner of our house. But his passion is to be in the home more, to parent our girls more, and to help our community through charitable and service-oriented acts. My passion is to be a part-time crisis counselor (why I’m going back to school), an activist speaker, and a mostly full-time author. Currently, I’m a part-time author. After rejecting conformity to rigid roles, we now embrace our God-given desires and goals pursue them together. Kevin supports my author calling using his tech skills and financial management.
5B: Covid-19 gave us more opportunity to live out equality. After Kevin learned more about the Mental Load, and with working from home, Kevin has taken a more active home role. He did pretty well before! Kevin intentionally recognizes that he is an adult and takes responsibility for his contributions to our mess. While our oldest daughter was in school, we divided childcare with our oldest doing school in his office while I cared for the toddler upstairs. Sure, there were obstacles, but we plan and partner to conquer them. He also affirmed my Spirit calling for us to shelter a mom friend and her kids in crisis. There were some long nights where he fully parented our girls so I could help my friend.
- We embrace the truth over the lies. Various churches we’ve attended offered many examples of “manhood” and “womanhood”. From big game hunting and bratwurst cookout activities for men (true story) while women served VBS and the occasional craft night, we began to deconstruct this idea of warrior/leader men and nurturing/domestic women in the Church. It left us quite excluded and even ostracized when we’d never conformed to those gender norms or enjoyments. But then, we learned that Jesus didn’t either! Grateful for books like Aimee Byrd’s Recovering From Biblical Manhood and Womanhood and Herbert Anderson’s Mutuality Matters in helping us on this journey.
- We embrace Jesus not the Church. When we began to learn more about Jesus and his examples and the call to be “imitators of Christ”, we instead focused on becoming more like Jesus. Now, we trade evangelical pictures of “manhood” and “womanhood” and simply choose to take on “Christhood”. When Jesus became a servant, clothed himself in love, humility, gentleness, and made the ultimate sacrifice, we want this beautiful portrait for ourselves and marriage.
- We embrace each other as the Bride. When examining the texts of Ephesians 5 of exhortations of marriage resembling Christ and the Church, we understand that Kevin is not in the place of the Groom/Christ. He is the Bride/Church just as I am. In those same groupings, individuals in the Church are called to mutually “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. When submission is demanded or required, it is a false submission not in line with God’s picture of husbands loving their wives. It also negates the verses of 1 Peter 3 where husbands are called to“honor their wives” and cites them as “heirs with you”. As the Bride, we should all “outdo one another in showing honor”. And to “bear one another’s burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ”. Another verse that does not have a mandate according to sex. We are all the Bride. We are the Body. We are all equal.
- We embrace Jesus and not the Curse. After we entered into this new life of equality, we began to recognize the harm of patriarchal messages. Thanks to my anti-trafficking involvement, we were already keenly aware of the damage of male power. Egalitarianism helped us understand how rooted the Church is in male hierarchy. In the Genesis Curse of husbands ruling over wives and not New Testament love and mutuality. Ironic! Jesus defied hierarchy and gave up his power. And honored women…
9B: Jesus revealed his true identity first to an outcast Samaritan woman and revealed that she would worship with him. Jesus commended the bleeding woman’s faith. Jesus did not order Mary of Bethany back to her domestic duties but credited her and stated that her name would be preached through the whole world. Jesus called Mary Magdalene to be his first evangelist after he showed her his Resurrected self before any others. This was an age where women could not be a credible witness! This does not even cover how Paul worked alongside woman pastors such as Euodia and Syntyche and Priscilla and charged Lydia with carrying the book of Romans to the Church.
- We embrace Ezer Kenegdo. Kevin and I have always loved one another, but in our early years, he lacked some respect as did I in different ways. Despite how this lack of respect faded after the birth of our daughters, once we became egalitarian, we processed those early years…together and individually. For me personally, I learned that Eve was created as “Ezer Kenegdo”, man’s perfect match – not a secondary helper. When the term “ezer” is an attribute to God himself as Israel’s military helper (16 times in the Old Testament), this empowered me! While Kevin is a quiet, empathetic, and supportive strength like when he cuddled alongside his sick grandfather, I am the strong challenger who helped Grandpa drink his Ensure. As egalitarians, we don’t downplay or try to reverse each other’s gifts and strengths. We honor and support them.
Our 10th-anniversary weekend-stay was the best weekend we have ever shared. It was the defining introduction into this beautiful world of equality. As we continue growing and learning, including writing a marriage book, we can only imagine how our 20th anniversary will be!