Why Come Out?

Me: I am bisexual

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“How is your husband coping with that?”

“Oh, I still love you…”

“Wow, wasn’t expecting that.”

“Above all, I still love you as a friend. I might have difficulty adjusting if I’m being perfectly honest.”

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And my personal favorite…waiting a full week before asking about my profile bisexual frame in the comment section, “Might be a stupid question, but are you bisexual?”

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To be fair, I did state in my update, “Questions welcome, Assumptions not.”

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Now, I want to be clear that I have had amazing feedback, too. I’ve deepened friendships including among affirming heterosexual friends and I’ve made newfound connections with other friends who I didn’t even know were bisexual.

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One of the best questions I received was phrased like this:

Can I ask why/how you came out if you’re married? Is there a point? I mean that as someone trying to learn. I have zero judgment.

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I love it when I’m presented with a direct question but from someone who is seeking to learn and understand. Honesty and understanding are two of the deepest forms of respect. Though some would say I owe the world no explanation, which may be true, I prefer to record the process of identity reconstruction and even its responses.

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So, here are my reasons.

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1. Identity: My process of identity deconstruction and reconstruction began very late 2017. Each year seems to have had a theme and its share of trials and overcoming trials. But the process of deconstruction and reconstruction of gender identity in 2020 was by far the most intense journey I’ve undertaken yet. It began with writing my newest book series, which has become my #ownvoices work and the most important books I have written and ever will write. In and out of writing, my journey covered a trinity of identity acknowledgment: physical/psychological/spiritual. Most of all, I was able to look back and recognize this identity dated all the way back to my childhood but was suppressed due to the communities of religious cultism of my background. Despite living in fear of that part of my identity for years and never fitting the mold in many arenas, I will acknowledge that I was one of the lucky ones. Gender conversion therapy is extremely damaging, and if my fear of so much as processing and acknowledging that I am bisexual protected me from such an experience, I will take that. But the most important thing is this: I don’t have to nor want to suppress my identity now.
2. Honesty: One of the simplest and most significant reasons of coming out is honesty. My husband, Kevin and I have always operated on a basis of deep and bold communication from the beginning of our relationship. We are also at a place where we can enter healthy conflict and maturely discuss a variety of issues. And to be completely honest, he technically initiated the journey. A journey he walked with me…and still is.
3. History: Thanks to the beautiful Brenda Davies of God is Grey channel – discovered by Kevin – among other sources, he and I were able to learn how much the church has spread misinformation and lies about homosexuality and its non-existence in the Bible. Despite getting out of religious cultism, I still have my faith, however evolved or rather transformed and renewed it is. As someone who had already begun to research the context behind misogynistic and patriarchal biblical texts which are the opposite given the right context and translations, I was fully receptive to dissecting the grand total of 2-3 verses that reference homosexuality. The Reformation Project is just one theological source I’ve been given thanks to some lgbtq+ pastors. Homosexuality’s correct translation and in context refers to “gang rape” and “pedophilia” and even pagan monarchy using eunuch boys. I love the one line in the Reformation Project showing that “the arc of Scripture points towards inclusion, not exclusion“. And considering various established pastors and theological sources have proven the word homosexuality didn’t even appear in the Bible till 1946 – Ed Oxford – graduate of Talbot School of Theology and author of Forging a Sacred Weapon: How the Bible Became Anti-Gay –, this was another reason I embraced my identity.
4. Empathy: Working in anti-trafficking has given me knowledge about a variety of issues. Though I’m still learning, I am aware of what high-risk population lgbtq+ youth are for trafficking as well as risk for negative health outcomes and are more likely to attempt suicide, experience homelessness, and use illegal drugs. How can anyone not have empathy for these kids? A friend of mine and I have a dream of opening housing centers if we were to ever become millionaires. Hers would be for lgbtq+ youth and mine would be for single mom survivors of domestic abuse. Already imagining my moms giving out free hugs to the kids. Overall, the church and society need to do better. I’ve already begun with my children. And the biggest part is the willingness to get uncomfortable, ask the hard questions, and open up your heart to empathize.
5. Energy: During the course of writing my book and incorporating my bisexual voice into the protagonist as well as writing some incredible and memorable gay sides, I tapped deep into both my feminine and masculine energies. I specifically felt the Holy Spirit resting upon me like a Divine Mother (a concept I wove into my book with a Goddess). I am at a place like many who understand God has no gender but was written with masculine pronouns despite having more feminine names such as El Shaddai which means “breasted one” and Ezer Kenegdo, the name for Eve, which means “strong helper” – a theme of my book. Elysia, like myself, has much feminine and masculine energy and confidently owns both of these. I only hope I can be as confident as she is someday. Yes, Elysia, my protagonist (picture below) and her voice throughout Courting Destruction ultimately gave me the courage to come out.

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(diana pinguica art)